July 3rd, 2014

What should have been Hunter’s due date.

From the moment that I got pregnant with Hunter I assumed that he wouldn’t be born on his due date. The chances of me carrying a baby to term is unknown. Xander was born at 34 weeks, so I was not expecting to make it to 40 with Hunter, but I definitely wasn’t expecting for my water to break at 18 weeks and him to be born at 24. My water never broke at all with Xander and the two premature births had no relation to each other.

After Xander was born I had made sure that the doctors felt it safe for me to have more children, I never wanted only one child, but after two and a half years I thought I should try and get used to the idea, though I didn’t want to. Then I found out I was pregnant and that sometime before July 3rd, 2014 that would change.

Although July 3rd wasn’t when I expected to meet Hunter, it was still the date that was always discussed at all appointments or whenever anyone asked when I was due. So today I am not having the greatest of days.

Today should be a day where I am watching Hunter getting ready to start walking, it should be the day that I am dreading going back to work. It should not be a day that I am sitting staring at my computer, trying to write my performance evaluation and development plan for work. Two items that I dread doing on a good day, never mind on a day when I feel like this.

I am finding it very hard to write about where I want to be or be doing in one or five years from now. To be honest, I don’t care. My career drive is gone and I am finding it very difficult to get it back. To me getting up most days is tough. Finding energy to make it through the day, to not burst into tears, or yell at someone because I am just angry. That is enough of a challenge. Putting on a nice fake smile to just get through the day is exhausting.

Hopefully one day July 3rd will just be another day, not a day that reminds me of what I want and can’t have. What I almost had and was taken away from me.