Taking Time for Me

So it has been a little while, okay too long since my last post. I have had so many topics I have wanted to write about, but with the start of summer, life has just taken a turn for the busy and I have not had the time to write. Okay, I have not taken the time to write.

Over the last month or so, I have had a real wake up call for the need to take some time for me. Since Hunter passed I have just tried to keep as busy as I can be; at every moment of everyday. To distract myself from the pain and devastation that is inside. But I have come to the realization that I need to start thinking about myself. Something that I have never been the best at doing. A quality I get from my mother.

My mom is the type of person who puts everyone else before herself, for everything. Yes most mother’s put their children and family before themselves, but anyone who has met my mom knows that it’s not just her family, it’s everyone.

She is the person who because her customers are elderly and there is no one to bring them to sign their papers, will go to them. Not on her work hours either, on her own time. And not so that she makes some sales commission, it’s so that they will be able to get a payment so as not to lose their house. Or goes out of her way to drive those that can’t to and from church. She has been known to go grocery shopping for those who cannot and I cannot tell you the amount of times she has given up time she should be at home doing her own housework to go and do it for others instead. I could really go on and on about what she does for others. To get my mom to do something for herself almost has to be forced.

The part that is the kicker is that I feel guilty about taking time for myself. I don’t want to be one of those selfish people who are so into themselves and over dramatize everything as if the world is ending. I just feel the need to take a step back and away and concentrate on my family. I’m not really sure how this is going to go, but I think it is something I need to do.

Two weekends ago I blocked out most communication with people other than posting a pic or two of our adventures and spent two full days just playing with Xander. It felt so nice. Like a weight lifted off my shoulders. We put up a tent and hung out in that, went to the park and just did nothing but play. We had nothing scheduled. It was a little weird at first, but it was so nice.

That weekend made me realize that maybe this is the right thing to do. That maybe taking time for me is what I need. Grief is so overwhelming and if you just bottle it in, trying to block it out; one day it is just going to explode. And trust me, I wouldn’t want to be around me when that happened. It could get messy.

So if you’re grieving, take that time for you. Don’t let others make you feel guilty for not wanting to be somewhere or do something.