“I want another baby Mommy”

What do you say to that? I want another baby too sweetheart.

Well I want our baby, and another one won’t ever take the place of the one we lost. If only it were that easy. But yes I would love to give you another baby, because I know how much you wanted to be a big brother. I see how much you enjoy interacting with other babies. I never wanted you to be an only child.

This is a conversation that I have had more than once with Xander. We had it again yesterday and again it broke my heart. One of our neighbours has a nine month old baby boy, the age that Hunter should be; if we had had a normal pregnancy, and he had been a term baby. Xander loves him so much, waited all day for him to come outside so he could see him and play with him. Made me walk with him to try and find them after he found out they were out for a walk to the park.

When they went inside for dinner and we were packing up some of his toys Xander had that look on his face, the one where I know it’s going to be that conversation. So I ask him what’s wrong.

“I want another baby Mommy. Remember how we had our baby. You call him Hunter, I call him Acorn. Can we have another one like him?”

“Xander I wish we could have another baby, but it’s not that easy.”

He just hangs his head and gives me a hug.

“I miss my Acorn Mommy.”

“I miss him too Xander.”

I wish with all of my heart that I could not only bring Hunter back for me and my grief, but for Xander and his. How as a 4 and now 5 year old child do you know and express your grief? Even as an adult I find that I can’t. How do you express it when, you don’t fully understand, but you know something is missing and that you are sad? How do I explain to Xander that I would love to give him the baby brother that he longs for, but even if I was ready; that I’m not even sure that I could.