Tag: motherhood in the NICU

Premature is premature

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Premature birth, the number 1 killer of infants. I wish I didn’t have first hand experience with this, but I do.

It’s funny, though not really funny, that I have had two premature babies, but I often forget that my first child was also born premature because I am fixated on Hunter being a micropreemie and having not survived because of this.

Xander was also premature, but because his hospital stay was shorter and easier (in hindsight), it is often forgotten. Because he is here, and you would never know it now. At the time, though, we were so scared. When the doctors told me that I was in labour and that he was coming, I think my heart skipped a beat and I was worried, because it was too early.

I remember when Hunter was alive and fighting in the NICU saying, “man what I would give for a 34 weeker”. But when I had that 34 weeker 4 years prior I was just as terrified as I was with my 24 weeker. The biggest difference is that my 34 weeker got better and it was happy news when talking with doctors; versus my 24 weeker, where it ended in devastation and meetings with doctors were just the worst.

In the end though premature is premature. No matter how premature or sick your baby is, you are terrified for their lives. You are terrified of the unknown. You are terrified what is going to happen next. You are terrified that you have to leave your baby in the care of someone other than yourself.

So today on World Prematurity Day, we will celebrate all of the preemies that fought their battles and won; and we will also remember the ones who fought their battles but just didn’t make it.

Premature is premature and premature fights like hell. I am a proud premature parent!

Endure

For the month of July my calendar at work is entitled “Endure”, everyday it is a reminder to me to keep going.

One definition I found of Endure is; “to continue to exist.”

Which I am sure is how many people who have suffered a loss or traumatic event feel. At least that is how I often feel. That I am continuing to exist, but that is all.

You continue to push through and do what you need to do to survive.

I look back through our time in the NICU with Hunter, and I’m not really sure how I existed or how I even made it home some days. It was a long trek back and forth from home to Mt. Sinai, minimum an hour each way, when there wasn’t some sort of traffic. The offer of staying in the Ronald MacDonald house was given to us, but having Xander and especially the dogs made this not really an option. So back and forth commuting was what I had to do.

Commuting is not new to me, I do it everyday for work, but commuting and paying for gas and parking in downtown Toronto, on an EI income is slightly challenging to say the least. I often had to limit my visits because I didn’t have the funds to pay for gas or parking. I wanted so badly to be there all day everyday with Hunter, but at $20 a day for parking, plus $15 in gas a day x 7 days a week, that would have taken more than half of my EI cheque each week. And even though I had taken critical illness insurance out for my children, because Hunter’s illness was not one of the ten specified illnesses the insurance company deemed critical, we did not qualify for insurance money to help with the costs.

I wanted so badly to be part of the Parent Care program that Mt. Sinai offered, but you had to be able to commit to being there everyday for 8 hours at a time. Something that I was not able to do. One because of the cost of commuting and two because I also had Xander to think of. I am his mother too and therefore the guilt I had and still have bears heavy on my heart. The guilt of leaving Xander to be with Hunter and the guilt of not being with Hunter more.

I am digressing slightly, but this is what lead me to my evening and overnight visits with Hunter. Why I am surprised I was still able to drive and function when I look back on my schedule during that time. I would spend most days with Xander, unless we needed to meet with doctors specifically during the day, and nights were Hunter’s. I would aim to be downtown for 5pm, when I could enter the parking garage and only have to pay $5 to park. There were many nights when I would arrive home and wonder how I got there, want to just crawl under the covers, but then realize it was now time to pump. When I look back at my schedule I realize I was lucky to have 3 hours of sleep each night. Which was usually between 2am – 5am. Then it was time to get up and pump again, and when that was done and the pump was all cleaned up, milk stored and labelled in the freezer, it was time for Xander to wake up and have breakfast.

But as a mother we do what we have to do for our children, we endure. I would do it all over again to have more time with Hunter and would have continued to do it if it meant that he would have been with us longer.

If you’re going through hell, keep going.

~ Winston Churchill

Keep going because there is an end, whether it be a happy ending or a sad one. Endure because that is all that we can do in order to survive.