Tag: child loss

What used to be my favourite month and time of the year

May.

It used to be my favourite month of the year. Not just because it is my birthday month, but also because it is spring and everything is new and fresh and it just brings forth a positive vibe. The grass is growing, the flowers are blooming, and the weather is warmer.

Now I dread spring, and I dread May.

It is the time of the year that is now full of sadness and tramatic memories. Memories that I both cherish and dispise.

Two years ago, I knew that Hunter was not doing that well, but I didn’t know that less than a week later I would have to say goodbye. We had a few close calls, but he always came around.

This time we were not so lucky. This time we had to say goodbye. This time my heart broke. Now this time of year is no longer my favourite. I am miserable and angry at everything.

I wish that for the month of May I could disappear and not have to face the world.

Bring me back to life

How can you see into my eyes, like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I’ve become so numb, without a soul
My spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

Wake me up, wake me up inside I can’t wake up,
Wake me up inside, save me,
Call my name and save me from the dark, wake me up
Bid my blood to run, I can’t wake up
Before I come undone, save me
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Now that I know what I’m without
You can’t just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real, bring me to life

Wake me up, wake me up inside I can’t wake up,
Wake me up inside, save me,
Call my name and save me from the dark, wake me up
Bid my blood to run, I can’t wake up
Before I come undone, save me
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life, I’ve been living a lie
There’s nothing inside, bring me to life

Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead

All this time, I can’t believe I couldn’t see
Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me

I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
I’ve got to open my eyes to everything

Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul

Don’t let me die here
There must be something wrong, bring me to life

Wake me up, wake me up inside I can’t wake up,
Wake me up inside, save me,
Call my name and save me from the dark, wake me up
Bid my blood to run, I can’t wake up
Before I come undone, save me
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life, I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
Bring me to life

~Evanescence

One of my favourite songs came on the radio this morning as I was driving to the train. It about sums up how I feel. Like I’m stuck in a dark nightmare and I can’t wake up. I just feel numb. I wish and need to find my way out, find a way to breath, how to bring me back to life.

I want to just feel happy and get back the positiveness that I used to be able to find, but I’m just stuck. Stuck trying to breath. Struggling to get through a day, pretending that I am happy to be wherever I am.

I just want to scream and yell……

…….every time I hear a woman complain about being pregnant, about how uncomfortable they are. Like seriously shut your face before I punch you in the gut and you’re no longer pregnant. Well I wouldn’t actually do that ever, but like come on. Shut your mouth and think about what you are saying. Or the complaints about lack of sleep because of a newborn, or the attitude that their 3 and 5 year olds are giving them.

Stop and think about what you are saying and who might be hearing it.

You are complaining about something that is a complete miracle. Something that you should be oh so grateful to have. Something that so many people cannot have and want so badly. It is like taking a piece of meat and dangling it outside of the tiger cage. You are teasing the poor animal that just wants the meat. Do you think that is fair and considerate of you? Well it isn’t.

This post may be a little harsh and angry, but this is how I feel when I hear the complaints. Do you know what I would give to be 36 – 40 weeks pregnant, with swollen ankles and dying from the heat? I would give a lot; and I know a few other women in the same boat.

Of course these complaints are done in the innocence of the moment and lack of knowledge to what they mean to someone else, but it doesn’t make them hurt any less.

I also want to rant and complain about the days when Xander is being a stubborn know it all 5 year old, but then I stop and think, I am oh so lucky to have him as a stubborn know it all 5 year old. And so I don’t. Because I know I have several friends who don’t have a stubborn know it all 5 year old, and that those comments and complaints would hurt them.

I know, because I wish I had two stubborn know it all children………

July 3rd, 2014

What should have been Hunter’s due date.

From the moment that I got pregnant with Hunter I assumed that he wouldn’t be born on his due date. The chances of me carrying a baby to term is unknown. Xander was born at 34 weeks, so I was not expecting to make it to 40 with Hunter, but I definitely wasn’t expecting for my water to break at 18 weeks and him to be born at 24. My water never broke at all with Xander and the two premature births had no relation to each other.

After Xander was born I had made sure that the doctors felt it safe for me to have more children, I never wanted only one child, but after two and a half years I thought I should try and get used to the idea, though I didn’t want to. Then I found out I was pregnant and that sometime before July 3rd, 2014 that would change.

Although July 3rd wasn’t when I expected to meet Hunter, it was still the date that was always discussed at all appointments or whenever anyone asked when I was due. So today I am not having the greatest of days.

Today should be a day where I am watching Hunter getting ready to start walking, it should be the day that I am dreading going back to work. It should not be a day that I am sitting staring at my computer, trying to write my performance evaluation and development plan for work. Two items that I dread doing on a good day, never mind on a day when I feel like this.

I am finding it very hard to write about where I want to be or be doing in one or five years from now. To be honest, I don’t care. My career drive is gone and I am finding it very difficult to get it back. To me getting up most days is tough. Finding energy to make it through the day, to not burst into tears, or yell at someone because I am just angry. That is enough of a challenge. Putting on a nice fake smile to just get through the day is exhausting.

Hopefully one day July 3rd will just be another day, not a day that reminds me of what I want and can’t have. What I almost had and was taken away from me.