Tag: child grief

Lucky to be Canadian……..

IMG_5851_2lowresHappy Birthday Canada!

Yesterday was Canada Day, our country turned 148. Xander spent the day with my parents since he is there all week, as my mom is off work and school is out. The house was so quiet. I didn’t even get out of PJs until after noon. Which for anyone who knows me, is not like me at all. Even everyday that I was on mat leave with Xander, the first thing I did in the morning was shower and get dressed, that was unless Xander woke to eat first. But then it was the first thing I did after. I just can’t start a day without doing that. It was weird but nice to be a little lazy. I knit and caught up on season 4 of Homeland. I took some time for me.

Throughout my lazy morning I did some thinking about how lucky we are to live in Canada. How lucky I was that during my time with Hunter that I was able to be off work and spend as much time with him as I could. Many countries don’t have the options we have for work leaves and many parents are faced with the costs of being off work with no income, never mind the additional costs that they also face from the stay at the hospital and NICU.

We were also lucky that in Canada our health care is pretty advanced. If it wasn’t and I hadn’t had the option to deliver at Mt. Sinai than we probably wouldn’t have had the time with Hunter that we had. He required breathing support from the moment he was born, since his lungs were so far underdeveloped from the lack of amniotic fluid. If the medical technology that we have here in Canada was not available to us than Hunter would not have survived more than a few moments. We would have had to say hello and goodbye within an instant of each other. Although our time together was too short, I would not trade that time we had, I only want more.

I was not lucky that my water broke at 18 weeks 4 days.

I was not lucky Hunter was born at 24 weeks 5 days.

I was not lucky that Hunter died at 8 weeks old.

I am lucky to be Canadian and live in Canada.

Taking Time for Me

So it has been a little while, okay too long since my last post. I have had so many topics I have wanted to write about, but with the start of summer, life has just taken a turn for the busy and I have not had the time to write. Okay, I have not taken the time to write.

Over the last month or so, I have had a real wake up call for the need to take some time for me. Since Hunter passed I have just tried to keep as busy as I can be; at every moment of everyday. To distract myself from the pain and devastation that is inside. But I have come to the realization that I need to start thinking about myself. Something that I have never been the best at doing. A quality I get from my mother.

My mom is the type of person who puts everyone else before herself, for everything. Yes most mother’s put their children and family before themselves, but anyone who has met my mom knows that it’s not just her family, it’s everyone.

She is the person who because her customers are elderly and there is no one to bring them to sign their papers, will go to them. Not on her work hours either, on her own time. And not so that she makes some sales commission, it’s so that they will be able to get a payment so as not to lose their house. Or goes out of her way to drive those that can’t to and from church. She has been known to go grocery shopping for those who cannot and I cannot tell you the amount of times she has given up time she should be at home doing her own housework to go and do it for others instead. I could really go on and on about what she does for others. To get my mom to do something for herself almost has to be forced.

The part that is the kicker is that I feel guilty about taking time for myself. I don’t want to be one of those selfish people who are so into themselves and over dramatize everything as if the world is ending. I just feel the need to take a step back and away and concentrate on my family. I’m not really sure how this is going to go, but I think it is something I need to do.

Two weekends ago I blocked out most communication with people other than posting a pic or two of our adventures and spent two full days just playing with Xander. It felt so nice. Like a weight lifted off my shoulders. We put up a tent and hung out in that, went to the park and just did nothing but play. We had nothing scheduled. It was a little weird at first, but it was so nice.

That weekend made me realize that maybe this is the right thing to do. That maybe taking time for me is what I need. Grief is so overwhelming and if you just bottle it in, trying to block it out; one day it is just going to explode. And trust me, I wouldn’t want to be around me when that happened. It could get messy.

So if you’re grieving, take that time for you. Don’t let others make you feel guilty for not wanting to be somewhere or do something.

“I want another baby Mommy”

What do you say to that? I want another baby too sweetheart.

Well I want our baby, and another one won’t ever take the place of the one we lost. If only it were that easy. But yes I would love to give you another baby, because I know how much you wanted to be a big brother. I see how much you enjoy interacting with other babies. I never wanted you to be an only child.

This is a conversation that I have had more than once with Xander. We had it again yesterday and again it broke my heart. One of our neighbours has a nine month old baby boy, the age that Hunter should be; if we had had a normal pregnancy, and he had been a term baby. Xander loves him so much, waited all day for him to come outside so he could see him and play with him. Made me walk with him to try and find them after he found out they were out for a walk to the park.

When they went inside for dinner and we were packing up some of his toys Xander had that look on his face, the one where I know it’s going to be that conversation. So I ask him what’s wrong.

“I want another baby Mommy. Remember how we had our baby. You call him Hunter, I call him Acorn. Can we have another one like him?”

“Xander I wish we could have another baby, but it’s not that easy.”

He just hangs his head and gives me a hug.

“I miss my Acorn Mommy.”

“I miss him too Xander.”

I wish with all of my heart that I could not only bring Hunter back for me and my grief, but for Xander and his. How as a 4 and now 5 year old child do you know and express your grief? Even as an adult I find that I can’t. How do you express it when, you don’t fully understand, but you know something is missing and that you are sad? How do I explain to Xander that I would love to give him the baby brother that he longs for, but even if I was ready; that I’m not even sure that I could.