Author: sarafaithlawson

A question that I ask myself more times a day than I can keep track of.

Why is it so easy for some people to get pregnant and so so hard for others?

Why do random bad things happen to good people?

Why did my water break at 18 1/2 weeks?

Why didn’t I go into labour right away?

Why did I finally go into labour after making it over 6 weeks?

Why when everything else about him was growing would Hunter’s lungs not grow too?

Why oh why did my baby boy die?

I could easily drive myself crazy if I let my mind continue to ask itself why. The problem is, I’m the type of person who needs to know why. I need to know how things work and the reasoning behind things. I need justification.

One of the last things that my Great-Grandma said to me before she passed away last fall, was that although everything happens for a reason, we shouldn’t dwell on finding that reason. We shouldn’t ask why.

She was a wise person my Great-Grandma, someone whom I miss dearly. So for her and for my sanity, I will try my hardest to not ask why this has happened to our family. I will try not to dwell on the events over and over; evaluating and reevaluating all of the decisions and choices that were made, trying to determine if it was something I did, or what I could have done differently to change the outcome.

I will just try and not ask why!

I challenge everyone else who is struggling to take a moment and think about how many times they just wonder why, and stop. Try and focus on something other then why.

For many years people have told me that I should start a blog, I just never did. I have always used writing in a journal as a way of helping me through tough times. The past year and a half have been the most difficult times of my life. I lost my second born son Hunter. I thought about starting a blog during the time I was on bed rest and in the hospital and again once he was born, and then again once he passed, but I just never did. I don’t think I was ready. So now a year after his death, as part of my healing process I will write about my grief and heart break, in the hope that someone will read it, and it will help them with whatever struggle they are going through.

I am a wife to Ian and a mother to two boys, Xander and Hunter. I have three dogs, Ziggy, my first baby, a black pug, Zeus, a fawn pug and June an English Bulldog. My family is the reason that I get up each day and continue to fight through my grief.