sarafaithlawson

Bring me back to life

How can you see into my eyes, like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I’ve become so numb, without a soul
My spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

Wake me up, wake me up inside I can’t wake up,
Wake me up inside, save me,
Call my name and save me from the dark, wake me up
Bid my blood to run, I can’t wake up
Before I come undone, save me
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Now that I know what I’m without
You can’t just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real, bring me to life

Bring me to life, I’ve been living a lie
There’s nothing inside, bring me to life

Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead

All this time, I can’t believe I couldn’t see
Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me

I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
I’ve got to open my eyes to everything

Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul

Don’t let me die here
There must be something wrong, bring me to life

Bring me to life, I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
Bring me to life

~Evanescence

One of my favourite songs came on the radio this morning as I was driving to the train. It about sums up how I feel. Like I’m stuck in a dark nightmare and I can’t wake up. I just feel numb. I wish and need to find my way out, find a way to breath, how to bring me back to life.

I want to just feel happy and get back the positiveness that I used to be able to find, but I’m just stuck. Stuck trying to breath. Struggling to get through a day, pretending that I am happy to be wherever I am.

I wish there was lidocaine for my heart

I just got home from the dentist and I cannot feel the side of my face or tongue. I sound like I have drank a couple bottles of wine. What I really wish is that you could numb emotional pain the way you can numb physical pain.

When I arrived at the dentist I didn’t realize that it was going to be a roller coaster of an emotional couple hours. I have been to the dentist at least twice since Hunter has passed. They knew I was pregnant and that my water broke early as I had to cancel some appointments, and I have been since and no one said anything to me. Ian mentioned that he had told them Hunter did not survive, but they never brought it up to me at my previous appointments.

Today out of the blue my dentist says, I am so sorry for your loss and what happened. So I say thank you. But she wasn’t done. I then had to tell the whole story because she didn’t realize that I stayed pregnant after my water broke and that Hunter was born alive. This was unfortunately at the beginning of my appointment, so I then had to sit through the drilling and procedure after. Not the best afternoon.

I just wanted to come home and crawl into bed and put the cover over my head and never come out. But that is not possible I have someone else I have to look after. Someone who needed to be picked up from daycare, given dinner, taken to swimming and put to bed. Sometimes that is a blessing, a distraction, something that keeps me going; but today I just wanted to be able to mourn Hunter, to give in to the ache that is inside me.

I just want to scream and yell……

…….every time I hear a woman complain about being pregnant, about how uncomfortable they are. Like seriously shut your face before I punch you in the gut and you’re no longer pregnant. Well I wouldn’t actually do that ever, but like come on. Shut your mouth and think about what you are saying. Or the complaints about lack of sleep because of a newborn, or the attitude that their 3 and 5 year olds are giving them.

Stop and think about what you are saying and who might be hearing it.

You are complaining about something that is a complete miracle. Something that you should be oh so grateful to have. Something that so many people cannot have and want so badly. It is like taking a piece of meat and dangling it outside of the tiger cage. You are teasing the poor animal that just wants the meat. Do you think that is fair and considerate of you? Well it isn’t.

This post may be a little harsh and angry, but this is how I feel when I hear the complaints. Do you know what I would give to be 36 – 40 weeks pregnant, with swollen ankles and dying from the heat? I would give a lot; and I know a few other women in the same boat.

Of course these complaints are done in the innocence of the moment and lack of knowledge to what they mean to someone else, but it doesn’t make them hurt any less.

I also want to rant and complain about the days when Xander is being a stubborn know it all 5 year old, but then I stop and think, I am oh so lucky to have him as a stubborn know it all 5 year old. And so I don’t. Because I know I have several friends who don’t have a stubborn know it all 5 year old, and that those comments and complaints would hurt them.

I know, because I wish I had two stubborn know it all children………

July 3rd, 2014

What should have been Hunter’s due date.

From the moment that I got pregnant with Hunter I assumed that he wouldn’t be born on his due date. The chances of me carrying a baby to term is unknown. Xander was born at 34 weeks, so I was not expecting to make it to 40 with Hunter, but I definitely wasn’t expecting for my water to break at 18 weeks and him to be born at 24. My water never broke at all with Xander and the two premature births had no relation to each other.

After Xander was born I had made sure that the doctors felt it safe for me to have more children, I never wanted only one child, but after two and a half years I thought I should try and get used to the idea, though I didn’t want to. Then I found out I was pregnant and that sometime before July 3rd, 2014 that would change.

Although July 3rd wasn’t when I expected to meet Hunter, it was still the date that was always discussed at all appointments or whenever anyone asked when I was due. So today I am not having the greatest of days.

Today should be a day where I am watching Hunter getting ready to start walking, it should be the day that I am dreading going back to work. It should not be a day that I am sitting staring at my computer, trying to write my performance evaluation and development plan for work. Two items that I dread doing on a good day, never mind on a day when I feel like this.

I am finding it very hard to write about where I want to be or be doing in one or five years from now. To be honest, I don’t care. My career drive is gone and I am finding it very difficult to get it back. To me getting up most days is tough. Finding energy to make it through the day, to not burst into tears, or yell at someone because I am just angry. That is enough of a challenge. Putting on a nice fake smile to just get through the day is exhausting.

Hopefully one day July 3rd will just be another day, not a day that reminds me of what I want and can’t have. What I almost had and was taken away from me.

Lucky to be Canadian……..

Happy Birthday Canada!

Yesterday was Canada Day, our country turned 148. Xander spent the day with my parents since he is there all week, as my mom is off work and school is out. The house was so quiet. I didn’t even get out of PJs until after noon. Which for anyone who knows me, is not like me at all. Even everyday that I was on mat leave with Xander, the first thing I did in the morning was shower and get dressed, that was unless Xander woke to eat first. But then it was the first thing I did after. I just can’t start a day without doing that. It was weird but nice to be a little lazy. I knit and caught up on season 4 of Homeland. I took some time for me.

Throughout my lazy morning I did some thinking about how lucky we are to live in Canada. How lucky I was that during my time with Hunter that I was able to be off work and spend as much time with him as I could. Many countries don’t have the options we have for work leaves and many parents are faced with the costs of being off work with no income, never mind the additional costs that they also face from the stay at the hospital and NICU.

We were also lucky that in Canada our health care is pretty advanced. If it wasn’t and I hadn’t had the option to deliver at Mt. Sinai than we probably wouldn’t have had the time with Hunter that we had. He required breathing support from the moment he was born, since his lungs were so far underdeveloped from the lack of amniotic fluid. If the medical technology that we have here in Canada was not available to us than Hunter would not have survived more than a few moments. We would have had to say hello and goodbye within an instant of each other. Although our time together was too short, I would not trade that time we had, I only want more.

I was not lucky that my water broke at 18 weeks 4 days.

I was not lucky Hunter was born at 24 weeks 5 days.

I was not lucky that Hunter died at 8 weeks old.

I am lucky to be Canadian and live in Canada.

Taking Time for Me

So it has been a little while, okay too long since my last post. I have had so many topics I have wanted to write about, but with the start of summer, life has just taken a turn for the busy and I have not had the time to write. Okay, I have not taken the time to write.

Over the last month or so, I have had a real wake up call for the need to take some time for me. Since Hunter passed I have just tried to keep as busy as I can be; at every moment of everyday. To distract myself from the pain and devastation that is inside. But I have come to the realization that I need to start thinking about myself. Something that I have never been the best at doing. A quality I get from my mother.

My mom is the type of person who puts everyone else before herself, for everything. Yes most mother’s put their children and family before themselves, but anyone who has met my mom knows that it’s not just her family, it’s everyone.

She is the person who because her customers are elderly and there is no one to bring them to sign their papers, will go to them. Not on her work hours either, on her own time. And not so that she makes some sales commission, it’s so that they will be able to get a payment so as not to lose their house. Or goes out of her way to drive those that can’t to and from church. She has been known to go grocery shopping for those who cannot and I cannot tell you the amount of times she has given up time she should be at home doing her own housework to go and do it for others instead. I could really go on and on about what she does for others. To get my mom to do something for herself almost has to be forced.

The part that is the kicker is that I feel guilty about taking time for myself. I don’t want to be one of those selfish people who are so into themselves and over dramatize everything as if the world is ending. I just feel the need to take a step back and away and concentrate on my family. I’m not really sure how this is going to go, but I think it is something I need to do.

Two weekends ago I blocked out most communication with people other than posting a pic or two of our adventures and spent two full days just playing with Xander. It felt so nice. Like a weight lifted off my shoulders. We put up a tent and hung out in that, went to the park and just did nothing but play. We had nothing scheduled. It was a little weird at first, but it was so nice.

That weekend made me realize that maybe this is the right thing to do. That maybe taking time for me is what I need. Grief is so overwhelming and if you just bottle it in, trying to block it out; one day it is just going to explode. And trust me, I wouldn’t want to be around me when that happened. It could get messy.

So if you’re grieving, take that time for you. Don’t let others make you feel guilty for not wanting to be somewhere or do something.

It’s my birthday and I will cry if I want to

Celebrating events or special days can be a little bit of an emotional challenge at times. You want to be happy and celebrate, but every so often this little pang will pop into your mind and you are reminded of what is missing.

A few weeks ago my mom was asking me what I wanted for my birthday, my husband did the same. Honestly there is only one thing I want, and that one thing I can’t have, so it makes everything else seem trivial.

I was already missing Hunter and wishing he was here with us to celebrate and then I went to the mailbox and what was in the box, but a formula sample. Happy Birthday, here is a package for your dead son. No matter how many times I have unsubscribed or emailed to tell them my son is no longer with us, they just keep sending them. On a good day this upsets me, but on my birthday, it was a little worse. It was another reminder that he should be here and he isn’t.

I did have a wonderful day, I got to spend some nice quality time with my family and friends, and received so many wonderful warm wishes and messages. But even through out all of the fun and laughter, I missed the little person that should have been here with me.

Maybe one day celebrations will become easier, part of me doesn’t want them to be, I want to remember that Hunter should be here celebrating with us. I don’t ever want to forget him or not be reminded of him. His time here was so short that I worry that one day things won’t remind me of him. For this reason I would prefer to take moments and be sad, sometimes we just need to do that. Even if it feels as if the whole world just keeps spinning around you when you do.

If you have been through something traumatic or lost someone you love, you probably can relate to that emptiness that you feel during celebrations. If you know of someone who has been through a loss whether it was recent or even years past, remember that if they seem a little off at what should be a celebration, that they are probably remembering and just need a moment to themselves. Give them that moment to themselves, or better yet give them a hug and say something about the person you know that they are missing. Join them in a memory so that the person they are missing becomes a part of the celebration too.

It is okay to just cry if you want to.

“I want another baby Mommy”

What do you say to that? I want another baby too sweetheart.

Well I want our baby, and another one won’t ever take the place of the one we lost. If only it were that easy. But yes I would love to give you another baby, because I know how much you wanted to be a big brother. I see how much you enjoy interacting with other babies. I never wanted you to be an only child.

This is a conversation that I have had more than once with Xander. We had it again yesterday and again it broke my heart. One of our neighbours has a nine month old baby boy, the age that Hunter should be; if we had had a normal pregnancy, and he had been a term baby. Xander loves him so much, waited all day for him to come outside so he could see him and play with him. Made me walk with him to try and find them after he found out they were out for a walk to the park.

When they went inside for dinner and we were packing up some of his toys Xander had that look on his face, the one where I know it’s going to be that conversation. So I ask him what’s wrong.

“I want another baby Mommy. Remember how we had our baby. You call him Hunter, I call him Acorn. Can we have another one like him?”

“Xander I wish we could have another baby, but it’s not that easy.”

He just hangs his head and gives me a hug.

“I miss my Acorn Mommy.”

“I miss him too Xander.”

I wish with all of my heart that I could not only bring Hunter back for me and my grief, but for Xander and his. How as a 4 and now 5 year old child do you know and express your grief? Even as an adult I find that I can’t. How do you express it when, you don’t fully understand, but you know something is missing and that you are sad? How do I explain to Xander that I would love to give him the baby brother that he longs for, but even if I was ready; that I’m not even sure that I could.

Happy Nurses Week

I’m sneaking this one in at the end of the week, but better late than never.

Happy Nurses Week to all of the nurses out there. Especially to the ones who helped to make Hunter’s time here as comfortable as possible. It takes a special kind of person to be a nurse and even more special kind person to be a NICU nurse.

These nurses are the mothers to our children when we are not able to be there with them. They know our babies as well as we do and treat them as if they are their own.

I was very lucky to meet some incredible nurses during our stay at Mt. Sinai and I will never forget them. They kept me sane.

Having Xander at home made it difficult for me to be at the hospital with Hunter as much as I wanted to be, so it was quite often that I would spend the day with Xander and head to the hospital and spend the night with Hunter. It’s much quieter in the NICU at night, well as quiet as it can be with the constant dinging of alarms and sounds of machines, so you have more time to chat with the nurses which is nice because staring into an isolette at your baby that you can’t just pick up, can be draining.

The dedication that these ladies have is just so inspiring. You can always tell which ones truly love their jobs and put their hearts into it. We were so lucky to meet so many of these nurses.

In the NICU at Mt. Sinai you have the opportunity to have “Primary Nurses”, which are nurses that are dedicated to your baby. So whenever they are on shift they will be assigned to your baby. We had two Primary Nurses, and then one unofficial Primary Nurse who’s Primary Baby happened to be two bed spaces down from Hunter, so she often got assigned Hunter as well. These ladies along with a few others became my saviors. Hunter’s surrogates moms when I wasn’t there. I never felt like a pain or that I was in the way when they were working. When I wasn’t able to make the trip in they were just a phone call away and ready to update me with how he was doing; how much he had eaten, what meds he had gotten, what his stats and temps were, and what the doctor’s plans were for the shift.

It was our Primary Nurse that first asked me if I would like to actually change Hunter’s diaper and take his temperature for the first time. It was our Primary Nurse that initiated and coordinated our first hold, and most of them that followed. I always new that if she was working I would be more likely to be able to hold Hunter that day. She didn’t make it out to be a pain to organize all the people that it took to just get Hunter out and into my arms. It was not an easy task, but as long as he was having a good day it was likely to happen if she was on shift. For that I will forever be grateful to her. She gave me so many memories with Hunter that I might not have had if she hadn’t been our Primary Nurse. So for that I thank her.

The nurses make sure that the parents are also looking after themselves and taking breaks to eat and time away from the NICU, to keep them sane. It was a nurse that allowed us to have more then our allotted visitors at one time so that we could get a picture of 5 generations. It was the nurses who thought to bring me a drink of water when I’d been holding Hunter for over an hour and couldn’t move for fear that I would pull out a tube.

I will never be able to thank all of them enough for everything that they did for us during our NICU stay. Right up until the end. Because of the nurses I have pictures and molds of Hunter’s hands and feet. Memories that I might not have had without them.

If you know a nurse make sure to thank them for what they do, because they deserve it!

Xander with the help of our Primary Nurse drew pictures for Hunter’s bedside.

Even on their days off they support the babies.

11020916_10153120220172390_359374311_n — Even almost a year later, when they were moving to a new NICU our Primary Nurse thought of Hunter and wrote his name and drew an Acorn in remembrance of him in his bed space. ❤

My Letter to Hunter

Today marks a year since we had the funeral for Hunter. I still cannot believe that it has been a year. I feel as if it was just yesterday. I thought that a year later I would feel less lost and more like my old self. Well that hasn’t happened. The longing to hold him is just as strong as it was when the nurse and doctor took him away from us.

We chose to have a private service with just our immediate family members for Hunter. Though that did not stop the support and kind gestures after, from our extended family and friends. For the funeral I wrote a letter of sorts to Hunter. I had intended to read it during the service, but for some reason the minister forgot and I was just too distraught to remember until the service was finished. I read it to him after everyone cleared out of the room and it was just Ian, Xander and myself, but I thought it fitting to share it with everyone today a year later.

To my baby boy,

Our time with you was much too short. We do not have years or even many months of stories to tell, but in your short little life you touched us all.

Mommy waited two and a half years to find out you were on your way and was so excited for your arrival. Xander couldn’t wait to be your big brother and share his things with you. He was even willing to give you his beloved giraffe and green blanket. Every night he would kiss you goodnight in Mommy’s tummy.

When Mommy’s water broke much too early we were all sad and worried on what would happen next. We knew if you were born it was too early to even hope for your survival, but you were a fighter and beat the odds of staying put for a little longer. Unfortunately that little longer was still not long enough. On March 18th, 2014 at just 24 weeks and 5 days you decided you wanted to meet us. We wanted to meet you too but really wish you had waited. That was 8 weeks ago.

For 53 days your little body fought. Those 53 days were the hardest yet most special for Mommy. Hardest because she knew you were not well and most special because she is so grateful that she got any time with you at all.

Mommy waited 13 days before she got to hold you for the first time, which was one of the most amazing days of her life. You were so tiny, the size of a cob of corn, not yet weighing even 2 pounds. But even being so small, it would take, two RTs and two nurses to get you out of your isolette and into Mommy’s arms. It was such a big deal to get you out, Mommy felt guilty taking up everyone’s time, but once you were out it was worth it.

The days Mommy got to snuggle you were her favourite, they were too few and far between. What Mommy would give for just one more snuggle. To feel your tiny fingers grabbing onto her one, or your head pushing back at her hand as she held you so you wouldn’t pull out your breathing tube. You were so feisty and always causing the nurses trouble with your constant moving and hands on your tube. Your hands always had to be grabbing at things or up on your head while you were sleeping.

The first time we dress you, we almost cooked you. So you only kept the sleeper on for a couple hours. Your isolette was warm enough you didn’t need clothes and your temperature went up from its normal 36 degrees to almost 38.

Mommy could go on and on about how special you were and still are. Our precious little acorn. As much as we all wanted you to grow into a strong oak it wasn’t meant to be.

So to my baby boy Mommy says.

“I will love you forever, I will like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you will be.”

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