Month: March 2016

I want to be a big brother Mommy

I want a baby brother or baby sister. I want to be a big brother. 

You will always be a big brother to Hunter sweetheart. 

I know but why did he have to die? 

He was very sick. 

But he was in the hospital. Why didn’t he get better?

Because he was just too sick and they couldn’t make him better. 

A conversation I wish I never had to have with my five year old son but have had it more than once in the last almost 22 months. It breaks my heart over and over again every time that we have it. Tonight was no different. 

I wish with all my heart I could make his wish to be a big brother come true. It just seems like it is something that might not happen. 

Happy Birthday to my Angel

This post is a day late, but I just wasn’t up to it yesterday. 

Two years old is how old you should be. Instead of celebrating with you we celebrated without you. This will never be good enough and never be easy. 

Xander and I spent the morning baking birthday cookies. Last year we made cupcakes. Then we all went to visit your ashes, sing happy birthday and eat your cookies. 

It is not how we wish we were spending your birthday. We wish we were watching you open presents and run around all excited like a regular two year old. 

Last year I wrote a little poem for you and thought that I would carry on tradition and write another verse. 

2015-1st Birthday 

Today we should be celebrating and watching you smash cake,

Instead we visit your grave and think of your unfair fate. 

What we would give to see you just one more time,

To hold your tiny hand and look into your bright eyes. 

Our lives are now incomplete,

Until that day where we will meet. 

Rest in peace sweet baby boy,

Today we will try and celebrate your joy. 

  
2016-2nd Birthday 

Happy Birthday to you,

Today you should be two. 

Running around,

Enjoying playgrounds.

How we wish you were here,

Instead we face our worst fear. 

So today we celebrate you,

All the while trying not to be blue. 

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday to you. 

  

Happy Birthday Hunter. Our precious little acorn who we love and miss you oh so much. 

His Birthday Shouldn’t Be Awkward 

But unfortunately at times it is. Which both bothers and upsets me. 

This week is March Break and many people are off work. It’s quiet, which is really nice. Leaving a meeting yesterday a colleague asked me if I was in all week or taking time off. I told him I was working from home Thursday and off on Friday. Of course he went on to joke about me partying hard for St. Patrick’s Day. If only that were the case. It’s not like I can turn and say. “Well no I am celebrating my dead son’s birthday.” That would create an awkward moment. Something you just don’t do in an office environment. 

Instead I just smile and laugh. Something you just get good at faking. 

I should have another baby right now

Baby lawson #3 was due April 13th, 2016, which means, given my circumstances that baby would probably be here with us right now. But it’s not here and I don’t have another baby.

In hindsight I should have a toddler not a baby. If Hunter had made it home, Baby Lawson #3 probably would not have existed, well at least not at that time. I have always had my heart set on three children. But that is looking further and further from possible.

It’s funny but it’s not, if I look at the time that we have been trying to build our family and how many children we would have if it had been easy, we could fill a small bus. This year it will be nine years. Almost a decade.