Month: July 2015

Endure

For the month of July my calendar at work is entitled “Endure”, everyday it is a reminder to me to keep going.

One definition I found of Endure is; “to continue to exist.”

Which I am sure is how many people who have suffered a loss or traumatic event feel. At least that is how I often feel. That I am continuing to exist, but that is all.

You continue to push through and do what you need to do to survive.

I look back through our time in the NICU with Hunter, and I’m not really sure how I existed or how I even made it home some days. It was a long trek back and forth from home to Mt. Sinai, minimum an hour each way, when there wasn’t some sort of traffic. The offer of staying in the Ronald MacDonald house was given to us, but having Xander and especially the dogs made this not really an option. So back and forth commuting was what I had to do.

Commuting is not new to me, I do it everyday for work, but commuting and paying for gas and parking in downtown Toronto, on an EI income is slightly challenging to say the least. I often had to limit my visits because I didn’t have the funds to pay for gas or parking. I wanted so badly to be there all day everyday with Hunter, but at $20 a day for parking, plus $15 in gas a day x 7 days a week, that would have taken more than half of my EI cheque each week. And even though I had taken critical illness insurance out for my children, because Hunter’s illness was not one of the ten specified illnesses the insurance company deemed critical, we did not qualify for insurance money to help with the costs.

I wanted so badly to be part of the Parent Care program that Mt. Sinai offered, but you had to be able to commit to being there everyday for 8 hours at a time. Something that I was not able to do. One because of the cost of commuting and two because I also had Xander to think of. I am his mother too and therefore the guilt I had and still have bears heavy on my heart. The guilt of leaving Xander to be with Hunter and the guilt of not being with Hunter more.

I am digressing slightly, but this is what lead me to my evening and overnight visits with Hunter. Why I am surprised I was still able to drive and function when I look back on my schedule during that time. I would spend most days with Xander, unless we needed to meet with doctors specifically during the day, and nights were Hunter’s. I would aim to be downtown for 5pm, when I could enter the parking garage and only have to pay $5 to park. There were many nights when I would arrive home and wonder how I got there, want to just crawl under the covers, but then realize it was now time to pump. When I look back at my schedule I realize I was lucky to have 3 hours of sleep each night. Which was usually between 2am – 5am. Then it was time to get up and pump again, and when that was done and the pump was all cleaned up, milk stored and labelled in the freezer, it was time for Xander to wake up and have breakfast.

But as a mother we do what we have to do for our children, we endure. I would do it all over again to have more time with Hunter and would have continued to do it if it meant that he would have been with us longer.

If you’re going through hell, keep going.

~ Winston Churchill

Keep going because there is an end, whether it be a happy ending or a sad one. Endure because that is all that we can do in order to survive.

Bring me back to life

How can you see into my eyes, like open doors
Leading you down into my core
Where I’ve become so numb, without a soul
My spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

Wake me up, wake me up inside I can’t wake up,
Wake me up inside, save me,
Call my name and save me from the dark, wake me up
Bid my blood to run, I can’t wake up
Before I come undone, save me
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Now that I know what I’m without
You can’t just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real, bring me to life

Wake me up, wake me up inside I can’t wake up,
Wake me up inside, save me,
Call my name and save me from the dark, wake me up
Bid my blood to run, I can’t wake up
Before I come undone, save me
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life, I’ve been living a lie
There’s nothing inside, bring me to life

Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead

All this time, I can’t believe I couldn’t see
Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me

I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
I’ve got to open my eyes to everything

Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul

Don’t let me die here
There must be something wrong, bring me to life

Wake me up, wake me up inside I can’t wake up,
Wake me up inside, save me,
Call my name and save me from the dark, wake me up
Bid my blood to run, I can’t wake up
Before I come undone, save me
Save me from the nothing I’ve become

Bring me to life, I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
Bring me to life

~Evanescence

One of my favourite songs came on the radio this morning as I was driving to the train. It about sums up how I feel. Like I’m stuck in a dark nightmare and I can’t wake up. I just feel numb. I wish and need to find my way out, find a way to breath, how to bring me back to life.

I want to just feel happy and get back the positiveness that I used to be able to find, but I’m just stuck. Stuck trying to breath. Struggling to get through a day, pretending that I am happy to be wherever I am.

I wish there was lidocaine for my heart

I just got home from the dentist and I cannot feel the side of my face or tongue. I sound like I have drank a couple bottles of wine. What I really wish is that you could numb emotional pain the way you can numb physical pain.

When I arrived at the dentist I didn’t realize that it was going to be a roller coaster of an emotional couple hours. I have been to the dentist at least twice since Hunter has passed. They knew I was pregnant and that my water broke early as I had to cancel some appointments, and I have been since and no one said anything to me. Ian mentioned that he had told them Hunter did not survive, but they never brought it up to me at my previous appointments. 

Today out of the blue my dentist says, I am so sorry for your loss and what happened. So I say thank you. But she wasn’t done. I then had to tell the whole story because she didn’t realize that I stayed pregnant after my water broke and that Hunter was born alive. This was unfortunately at the beginning of my appointment, so I then had to sit through the drilling and procedure after. Not the best afternoon.

I just wanted to come home and crawl into bed and put the cover over my head and never come out. But that is not possible I have someone else I have to look after. Someone who needed to be picked up from daycare, given dinner, taken to swimming and put to bed. Sometimes that is a blessing, a distraction, something that keeps me going; but today I just wanted to be able to mourn Hunter, to give in to the ache that is inside me.

I just want to scream and yell……

…….every time I hear a woman complain about being pregnant, about how uncomfortable they are. Like seriously shut your face before I punch you in the gut and you’re no longer pregnant. Well I wouldn’t actually do that ever, but like come on. Shut your mouth and think about what you are saying. Or the complaints about lack of sleep because of a newborn, or the attitude that their 3 and 5 year olds are giving them.

Stop and think about what you are saying and who might be hearing it.

You are complaining about something that is a complete miracle. Something that you should be oh so grateful to have. Something that so many people cannot have and want so badly. It is like taking a piece of meat and dangling it outside of the tiger cage. You are teasing the poor animal that just wants the meat. Do you think that is fair and considerate of you? Well it isn’t.

This post may be a little harsh and angry, but this is how I feel when I hear the complaints. Do you know what I would give to be 36 – 40 weeks pregnant, with swollen ankles and dying from the heat? I would give a lot; and I know a few other women in the same boat.

Of course these complaints are done in the innocence of the moment and lack of knowledge to what they mean to someone else, but it doesn’t make them hurt any less.

I also want to rant and complain about the days when Xander is being a stubborn know it all 5 year old, but then I stop and think, I am oh so lucky to have him as a stubborn know it all 5 year old. And so I don’t. Because I know I have several friends who don’t have a stubborn know it all 5 year old, and that those comments and complaints would hurt them.

I know, because I wish I had two stubborn know it all children………

July 3rd, 2014

What should have been Hunter’s due date.

From the moment that I got pregnant with Hunter I assumed that he wouldn’t be born on his due date. The chances of me carrying a baby to term is unknown. Xander was born at 34 weeks, so I was not expecting to make it to 40 with Hunter, but I definitely wasn’t expecting for my water to break at 18 weeks and him to be born at 24. My water never broke at all with Xander and the two premature births had no relation to each other.

After Xander was born I had made sure that the doctors felt it safe for me to have more children, I never wanted only one child, but after two and a half years I thought I should try and get used to the idea, though I didn’t want to. Then I found out I was pregnant and that sometime before July 3rd, 2014 that would change.

Although July 3rd wasn’t when I expected to meet Hunter, it was still the date that was always discussed at all appointments or whenever anyone asked when I was due. So today I am not having the greatest of days.

Today should be a day where I am watching Hunter getting ready to start walking, it should be the day that I am dreading going back to work. It should not be a day that I am sitting staring at my computer, trying to write my performance evaluation and development plan for work. Two items that I dread doing on a good day, never mind on a day when I feel like this.

I am finding it very hard to write about where I want to be or be doing in one or five years from now. To be honest, I don’t care. My career drive is gone and I am finding it very difficult to get it back. To me getting up most days is tough. Finding energy to make it through the day, to not burst into tears, or yell at someone because I am just angry. That is enough of a challenge. Putting on a nice fake smile to just get through the day is exhausting.

Hopefully one day July 3rd will just be another day, not a day that reminds me of what I want and can’t have. What I almost had and was taken away from me.

Lucky to be Canadian……..

IMG_5851_2lowresHappy Birthday Canada!

Yesterday was Canada Day, our country turned 148. Xander spent the day with my parents since he is there all week, as my mom is off work and school is out. The house was so quiet. I didn’t even get out of PJs until after noon. Which for anyone who knows me, is not like me at all. Even everyday that I was on mat leave with Xander, the first thing I did in the morning was shower and get dressed, that was unless Xander woke to eat first. But then it was the first thing I did after. I just can’t start a day without doing that. It was weird but nice to be a little lazy. I knit and caught up on season 4 of Homeland. I took some time for me.

Throughout my lazy morning I did some thinking about how lucky we are to live in Canada. How lucky I was that during my time with Hunter that I was able to be off work and spend as much time with him as I could. Many countries don’t have the options we have for work leaves and many parents are faced with the costs of being off work with no income, never mind the additional costs that they also face from the stay at the hospital and NICU.

We were also lucky that in Canada our health care is pretty advanced. If it wasn’t and I hadn’t had the option to deliver at Mt. Sinai than we probably wouldn’t have had the time with Hunter that we had. He required breathing support from the moment he was born, since his lungs were so far underdeveloped from the lack of amniotic fluid. If the medical technology that we have here in Canada was not available to us than Hunter would not have survived more than a few moments. We would have had to say hello and goodbye within an instant of each other. Although our time together was too short, I would not trade that time we had, I only want more.

I was not lucky that my water broke at 18 weeks 4 days.

I was not lucky Hunter was born at 24 weeks 5 days.

I was not lucky that Hunter died at 8 weeks old.

I am lucky to be Canadian and live in Canada.