Today marks a year since we had the funeral for Hunter. I still cannot believe that it has been a year. I feel as if it was just yesterday. I thought that a year later I would feel less lost and more like my old self. Well that hasn’t happened. The longing to hold him is just as strong as it was when the nurse and doctor took him away from us.
We chose to have a private service with just our immediate family members for Hunter. Though that did not stop the support and kind gestures after, from our extended family and friends. For the funeral I wrote a letter of sorts to Hunter. I had intended to read it during the service, but for some reason the minister forgot and I was just too distraught to remember until the service was finished. I read it to him after everyone cleared out of the room and it was just Ian, Xander and myself, but I thought it fitting to share it with everyone today a year later.
To my baby boy,
Our time with you was much too short. We do not have years or even many months of stories to tell, but in your short little life you touched us all.
Mommy waited two and a half years to find out you were on your way and was so excited for your arrival. Xander couldn’t wait to be your big brother and share his things with you. He was even willing to give you his beloved giraffe and green blanket. Every night he would kiss you goodnight in Mommy’s tummy.
When Mommy’s water broke much too early we were all sad and worried on what would happen next. We knew if you were born it was too early to even hope for your survival, but you were a fighter and beat the odds of staying put for a little longer. Unfortunately that little longer was still not long enough. On March 18th, 2014 at just 24 weeks and 5 days you decided you wanted to meet us. We wanted to meet you too but really wish you had waited. That was 8 weeks ago.
For 53 days your little body fought. Those 53 days were the hardest yet most special for Mommy. Hardest because she knew you were not well and most special because she is so grateful that she got any time with you at all.
Mommy waited 13 days before she got to hold you for the first time, which was one of the most amazing days of her life. You were so tiny, the size of a cob of corn, not yet weighing even 2 pounds. But even being so small, it would take, two RTs and two nurses to get you out of your isolette and into Mommy’s arms. It was such a big deal to get you out, Mommy felt guilty taking up everyone’s time, but once you were out it was worth it.
The days Mommy got to snuggle you were her favourite, they were too few and far between. What Mommy would give for just one more snuggle. To feel your tiny fingers grabbing onto her one, or your head pushing back at her hand as she held you so you wouldn’t pull out your breathing tube. You were so feisty and always causing the nurses trouble with your constant moving and hands on your tube. Your hands always had to be grabbing at things or up on your head while you were sleeping.
The first time we dress you, we almost cooked you. So you only kept the sleeper on for a couple hours. Your isolette was warm enough you didn’t need clothes and your temperature went up from its normal 36 degrees to almost 38.
Mommy could go on and on about how special you were and still are. Our precious little acorn. As much as we all wanted you to grow into a strong oak it wasn’t meant to be.
So to my baby boy Mommy says.
“I will love you forever, I will like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you will be.”
My Little Acorn 