Month: May 2015

It’s my birthday and I will cry if I want to

Celebrating events or special days can be a little bit of an emotional challenge at times. You want to be happy and celebrate, but every so often this little pang will pop into your mind and you are reminded of what is missing.

A few weeks ago my mom was asking me what I wanted for my birthday, my husband did the same. Honestly there is only one thing I want, and that one thing I can’t have, so it makes everything else seem trivial.

I was already missing Hunter and wishing he was here with us to celebrate and then I went to the mailbox and what was in the box, but a formula sample. Happy Birthday, here is a package for your dead son. No matter how many times I have unsubscribed or emailed to tell them my son is no longer with us, they just keep sending them. On a good day this upsets me, but on my birthday, it was a little worse. It was another reminder that he should be here and he isn’t.

I did have a wonderful day, I got to spend some nice quality time with my family and friends, and received so many wonderful warm wishes and messages. But even through out all of the fun and laughter, I missed the little person that should have been here with me.

Maybe one day celebrations will become easier, part of me doesn’t want them to be, I want to remember that Hunter should be here celebrating with us. I don’t ever want to forget him or not be reminded of him. His time here was so short that I worry that one day things won’t remind me of him. For this reason I would prefer to take moments and be sad, sometimes we just need to do that. Even if it feels as if the whole world just keeps spinning around you when you do.

If you have been through something traumatic or lost someone you love, you probably can relate to that emptiness that you feel during celebrations. If you know of someone who has been through a loss whether it was recent or even years past, remember that if they seem a little off at what should be a celebration, that they are probably remembering and just need a moment to themselves. Give them that moment to themselves, or better yet give them a hug and say something about the person you know that they are missing. Join them in a memory so that the person they are missing becomes a part of the celebration too.

It is okay to just cry if you want to.

“I want another baby Mommy”

What do you say to that? I want another baby too sweetheart.

Well I want our baby, and another one won’t ever take the place of the one we lost. If only it were that easy. But yes I would love to give you another baby, because I know how much you wanted to be a big brother. I see how much you enjoy interacting with other babies. I never wanted you to be an only child.

This is a conversation that I have had more than once with Xander. We had it again yesterday and again it broke my heart. One of our neighbours has a nine month old baby boy, the age that Hunter should be; if we had had a normal pregnancy, and he had been a term baby. Xander loves him so much, waited all day for him to come outside so he could see him and play with him. Made me walk with him to try and find them after he found out they were out for a walk to the park.

When they went inside for dinner and we were packing up some of his toys Xander had that look on his face, the one where I know it’s going to be that conversation. So I ask him what’s wrong.

“I want another baby Mommy. Remember how we had our baby. You call him Hunter, I call him Acorn. Can we have another one like him?”

“Xander I wish we could have another baby, but it’s not that easy.”

He just hangs his head and gives me a hug.

“I miss my Acorn Mommy.”

“I miss him too Xander.”

I wish with all of my heart that I could not only bring Hunter back for me and my grief, but for Xander and his. How as a 4 and now 5 year old child do you know and express your grief? Even as an adult I find that I can’t. How do you express it when, you don’t fully understand, but you know something is missing and that you are sad? How do I explain to Xander that I would love to give him the baby brother that he longs for, but even if I was ready; that I’m not even sure that I could.

Happy Nurses Week

I’m sneaking this one in at the end of the week, but better late than never.

Happy Nurses Week to all of the nurses out there. Especially to the ones who helped to make Hunter’s time here as comfortable as possible. It takes a special kind of person to be a nurse and even more special kind person to be a NICU nurse.

These nurses are the mothers to our children when we are not able to be there with them. They know our babies as well as we do and treat them as if they are their own.

I was very lucky to meet some incredible nurses during our stay at Mt. Sinai and I will never forget them. They kept me sane.

Having Xander at home made it difficult for me to be at the hospital with Hunter as much as I wanted to be, so it was quite often that I would spend the day with Xander and head to the hospital and spend the night with Hunter. It’s much quieter in the NICU at night, well as quiet as it can be with the constant dinging of alarms and sounds of machines, so you have more time to chat with the nurses which is nice because staring into an isolette at your baby that you can’t just pick up, can be draining.

The dedication that these ladies have is just so inspiring. You can always tell which ones truly love their jobs and put their hearts into it. We were so lucky to meet so many of these nurses.

In the NICU at Mt. Sinai you have the opportunity to have “Primary Nurses”, which are nurses that are dedicated to your baby. So whenever they are on shift they will be assigned to your baby. We had two Primary Nurses, and then one unofficial Primary Nurse who’s Primary Baby happened to be two bed spaces down from Hunter, so she often got assigned Hunter as well. These ladies along with a few others became my saviors. Hunter’s surrogates moms when I wasn’t there. I never felt like a pain or that I was in the way when they were working. When I wasn’t able to make the trip in they were just a phone call away and ready to update me with how he was doing; how much he had eaten, what meds he had gotten, what his stats and temps were, and what the doctor’s plans were for the shift.

It was our Primary Nurse that first asked me if I would like to actually change Hunter’s diaper and take his temperature for the first time. It was our Primary Nurse that initiated and coordinated our first hold, and most of them that followed. I always new that if she was working I would be more likely to be able to hold Hunter that day. She didn’t make it out to be a pain to organize all the people that it took to just get Hunter out and into my arms. It was not an easy task, but as long as he was having a good day it was likely to happen if she was on shift. For that I will forever be grateful to her. She gave me so many memories with Hunter that I might not have had if she hadn’t been our Primary Nurse. So for that I thank her.

The nurses make sure that the parents are also looking after themselves and taking breaks to eat and time away from the NICU, to keep them sane. It was a nurse that allowed us to have more then our allotted visitors at one time so that we could get a picture of 5 generations. It was the nurses who thought to bring me a drink of water when I’d been holding Hunter for over an hour and couldn’t move for fear that I would pull out a tube.

I will never be able to thank all of them enough for everything that they did for us during our NICU stay. Right up until the end. Because of the nurses I have pictures and molds of Hunter’s hands and feet. Memories that I might not have had without them.

If you know a nurse make sure to thank them for what they do, because they deserve it!

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Hunter’s Name Card Made by the Nurses
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Xander with the help of our Primary Nurse drew pictures for Hunter’s bedside.
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Even on their days off they support the babies.
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Even almost a year later, when they were moving to a new NICU our Primary Nurse thought of Hunter and wrote his name and drew an Acorn in remembrance of him in his bed space. ❤

My Letter to Hunter

Today marks a year since we had the funeral for Hunter. I still cannot believe that it has been a year. I feel as if it was just yesterday. I thought that a year later I would feel less lost and more like my old self. Well that hasn’t happened. The longing to hold him is just as strong as it was when the nurse and doctor took him away from us.

We chose to have a private service with just our immediate family members for Hunter. Though that did not stop the support and kind gestures after, from our extended family and friends. For the funeral I wrote a letter of sorts to Hunter. I had intended to read it during the service, but for some reason the minister forgot and I was just too distraught to remember until the service was finished. I read it to him after everyone cleared out of the room and it was just Ian, Xander and myself, but I thought it fitting to share it with everyone today a year later.

To my baby boy,

Our time with you was much too short. We do not have years or even many months of stories to tell, but in your short little life you touched us all.

Mommy waited two and a half years to find out you were on your way and was so excited for your arrival. Xander couldn’t wait to be your big brother and share his things with you. He was even willing to give you his beloved giraffe and green blanket. Every night he would kiss you goodnight in Mommy’s tummy.

When Mommy’s water broke much too early we were all sad and worried on what would happen next. We knew if you were born it was too early to even hope for your survival, but you were a fighter and beat the odds of staying put for a little longer. Unfortunately that little longer was still not long enough. On March 18th, 2014 at just 24 weeks and 5 days you decided you wanted to meet us. We wanted to meet you too but really wish you had waited. That was 8 weeks ago.

For 53 days your little body fought. Those 53 days were the hardest yet most special for Mommy. Hardest because she knew you were not well and most special because she is so grateful that she got any time with you at all.

Mommy waited 13 days before she got to hold you for the first time, which was one of the most amazing days of her life. You were so tiny, the size of a cob of corn, not yet weighing even 2 pounds. But even being so small, it would take, two RTs and two nurses to get you out of your isolette and into Mommy’s arms. It was such a big deal to get you out, Mommy felt guilty taking up everyone’s time, but once you were out it was worth it.

The days Mommy got to snuggle you were her favourite, they were too few and far between. What Mommy would give for just one more snuggle. To feel your tiny fingers grabbing onto her one, or your head pushing back at her hand as she held you so you wouldn’t pull out your breathing tube. You were so feisty and always causing the nurses trouble with your constant moving and hands on your tube. Your hands always had to be grabbing at things or up on your head while you were sleeping.

The first time we dress you, we almost cooked you. So you only kept the sleeper on for a couple hours. Your isolette was warm enough you didn’t need clothes and your temperature went up from its normal 36 degrees to almost 38.

Mommy could go on and on about how special you were and still are. Our precious little acorn. As much as we all wanted you to grow into  a strong oak it wasn’t meant to be.

So to my baby boy Mommy says.

“I will love you forever, I will like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you will be.”

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Why?!

A question that I ask myself more times a day than I can keep track of.

Why is it so easy for some people to get pregnant and so so hard for others?

Why do random bad things happen to good people?

Why did my water break at 18 1/2 weeks?

Why didn’t I go into labour right away?

Why did I finally go into labour after making it over 6 weeks?

Why when everything else about him was growing would Hunter’s lungs not grow too?

Why oh why did my baby boy die?

I could easily drive myself crazy if I let my mind continue to ask itself why. The problem is, I’m the type of person who needs to know why. I need to know how things work and the reasoning behind things. I need justification.

One of the last things that my Great-Grandma said to me before she passed away last fall, was that although everything happens for a reason, we shouldn’t dwell on finding that reason. We shouldn’t ask why.

She was a wise person my Great-Grandma, someone whom I miss dearly. So for her and for my sanity, I will try my hardest to not ask why this has happened to our family. I will try not to dwell on the events over and over; evaluating and reevaluating all of the decisions and choices that were made, trying to determine if it was something I did, or what I could have done differently to change the outcome.

I will just try and not ask why!

I challenge everyone else who is struggling to take a moment and think about how many times they just wonder why, and stop. Try and focus on something other then why.

A Little Bit About Me and Why I’m Doing This

For many years people have told me that I should start a blog, I just never did. I have always used writing in a journal as a way of helping me through tough times. The past year and a half have been the most difficult times of my life. I lost my second born son Hunter. I thought about starting a blog during the time I was on bed rest and in the hospital and again once he was born, and then again once he passed, but I just never did. I don’t think I was ready. So now a year after his death, as part of my healing process I will write about my grief and heart break, in the hope that someone will read it, and it will help them with whatever struggle they are going through.

I am a wife to Ian and a mother to two boys, Xander and Hunter. I have three dogs, Ziggy, my first baby, a black pug, Zeus, a fawn pug and June an English Bulldog. My family is the reason that I get up each day and continue to fight through my grief.1472086_10100908006551111_183732279109719311_n