I have always loved to read. When I start a book, if it’s a good one, I won’t put it down until it is finished. Through out my experience with bed rest and Hunter’s passing I would have thought I would have read more, but for some reason I just didn’t. I didn’t have the drive to pick up a book and read. I think it’s because my mind would wander and think of other things so I found it hard to concentrate.
While I was still pregnant and on bed rest my mom purchased the book, “I Will Carry You,” for me to read. It was the story of a family who found out their baby would not survive but chose to not terminate the pregnancy and continue on, carrying her and spending as much time with their little girl as they were given. When my mom first gave it to me, I refused to read it. I just couldn’t. She thought it would comfort me, I just couldn’t bring myself to read such a sad story. I was hoping our story would have a happy ending.
So instead I turned to reading blogs of people who had pPROM and had happy endings. I needed to believe that we had that chance. It helped to keep me positive. I’ve always tried to see the positive side of things, but when doctors are giving you statistics that are highly not in your favour and are pretty much pushing you to terminate, it’s hard.
I finally got around to reading the book when we went on vacation a month after Hunter died. Sitting in paradise reading and balling my eyes out. But it was a comfort knowing that not everyone got the happy ending or miracle they wanted. I could relate to so many of the feelings and emotions that were in the book. So although it was an emotional read it helped.
I’ve said this before, but helping Xander understand and cope with his grief and loss was and is still one of the hardest parts of this journey. Our social worker from the hospital recommended I get the book “Heaven’d Brightest Star,” to read with him. It is a story of a first born child who had a little sibling born premature and that sibling never came home. It helped Xander to understand that it was nothing that he did wrong as an older brother and that Hunter loved him and would always be his little brother. I was so grateful that a book like this existed to help Xander.
A friend who I met in the NICU, who also lost her son sent me the book, “Healing a Parent’s Grieving Heart – 100 Practical Ideas,” It has so many different ways to help a parent who is grieving. I haven’t gone through all of them, but I am working my way through. It was just so thoughtful and came right at a time that I needed it. These are the types of things that mean so much. I am overwhelmed and grateful for the kindness some people have extended. Having ideas and experiences from others to relate to, and reiterate that I am not alone in my grief and journey has been so helpful.
My Little Acorn 