Here are some important things to consider and do when you have a friend or family member who has recently lost a child. Of everything that has been done for me, this was what I appreciated the most.
- Be There – It is in our nature when someone is going through a tough time to extend our condolences and offer words of encouragement. Commonly we say, “if you need anything, I’m here.” Yes when saying them we mean them, but how often do you actually follow through? How often does that person reach back out to you asking for help? I know in my personal experience I have said those words, but after going through loosing Hunter I try not to say those words anymore. Your actions will speak louder than your words. When you are grieving the last thing you want to do is ask for help. Many people said those words to me, but I am not someone who asks for help and so many people are the same way. The key to being there for someone suffering a loss is to actually “Be There.” Sure you don’t want to crowd and overstay your welcome, but there is nothing stopping you from dropping by food, especially if there are other family members that still need to eat. Not a cook, giftcards for restaurants with take out or delivery also work. Other areas that would be a big help would be cleaning the house. That was absolutely the last thing on my mind. My house still has not fully recovered. Being there could also mean volunteering to watch their other children so that they can just have time to grieve in peace. Above all just be there, don’t think about the right thing to say or do, just show up, just knowing that your friends and family are there is what matters the most.
- Speak Our Child’s Name – Saying Hunter’s name out loud brings both joy and sadness. Sadness because everything that is talked about is in the past, but joy because he was and is my son and I love and want to talk about him. At first I was cautious about saying his name in everyday conversation, I did not enjoy the awkward silence or the looks that crossed peoples faces. Now I don’t care what people think. If it is awkward for them to talk about my son, than I don’t want them around me. He is a part of me and my life and I will continue to talk about him and break the silence and awkwardness there is around infant loss. Saying our child’s name out loud and talking about them keeps their memory alive and will make us feel as if our child’s lives still matter.
- Be aware – Birthday parties, wedding showers, weddings and especially baby showers will be very difficult. Even if they are truly happy for the person being celebrated, that will not change the difficulty of being there. If you are inviting someone who has had a loss, just remember that. Tell them you understand if they aren’t able to attend. Give them an extra hug if they do come. Be aware that celebrations are hard for us. We want so badly to be happy for you and others that we love, but it’s hard.
- Remember – Try and do your best to remember important days. Days such as birthdays, and death days as well. Send a card, message or phone call. It will go a long way. As the years go on, the memory of our children diminishes in other people’s minds, but to us their loss is a present as it was the day it happened. Knowing that you remember and are thinking of our children will mean the world. It is our worst fear that people will no longer remember our children.
Empathy is the experience of understanding another person’s condition from their perspective. You place yourself in their shoes and feel what they are feeling. Empathy is known to increase prosocial (helping) behaviours. (https://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/empathy)
Understanding the loss of a child is a great task. The fact that you are trying to be there for your friends or family who are going through this is above all the most important and those of us who are going through this loss as forever grateful for your support.
My Little Acorn 