There are so many stages of grief, so many feelings involved, and sometimes it feels like people want you to follow a certain path, that you have your allotted amount of time and then are expected to move on with life. Well that is just not how grief works. It is the most up and down roller coaster ride that doesn’t seem to ever have an end. And that is okay.
Some days I find I am up for things that other days I am not. And even some days that I think I’m good to go something will trigger an emotion or memory that puts me into a dark downward spiral of just wanting to go home and go to bed, or lash out in a dark rage.
The darkest park of my grief has been the anger that I have at moments. I have gotten good at just being quiet or leaving and getting myself out of a situation. Well for the most part. A lot of time I bring that anger home. Which I put onto Ian and Xander, which I am not happy or proud of. I am so lucky that they have both been so understanding and supportive.
My light is my family and making sure that I appreciate the things that I do have. They make me laugh and smile even on the days I don’t feel like doing either. They give me a purpose to keep going. I am happy that even though it was much too short, I did have some time with Hunter. More time than some people have when encountered with similar situations.
I am still grieving for the loss of my son and do not think that will ever stop. I am a mother, and a mother who looses a child will never be the same. We will always grieve that child because a child should not go before a parent, it is just not the natural cycle of life. Your hopes and dreams for that child are gone.
There will be days and times where I will laugh and enjoy life, but there will be days and times when I want to crawl into a hole and be alone. There are dark and light sides to grief and they interchange with each other every moment of everyday.
My Little Acorn 