I am participating in Capture Your Grief in honour of my baby boy Hunter. We knew him for such a short time and he was unable to really show us who he was but here are a few words that can describe him.
Headstong – Not that this is surprising, as it runs in the family, but Hunter was stubborn and headstrong. He was a feisty little guy. We basically had to strap him down to keep him from moving and pulling at his breathing tube. He was so active considering he was so small and so sick.
Unknown – He was hear for such a short time that he really was unknown. We didn’t get to hear him laugh or even cry. Sometimes he would open his mouth or crunch up his face and you knew he was upset, mad or uncomfortable, but there was no sound. And everyday was unknown as to what was going to happen or how he was going to be doing. You could have a good day or even a good couple hours, than all of a sudden he was worse than he ever was before. Every day from the time my water broke until the day Hunter left us was unknown as to if it would be his last.
Night – The night will always be remembered in my heart as our time. For a variety of reasons most of my time spent in the NICU with Hunter was at night. Traffic was lighter so travel time was less, parking was $5 from 5pm – 5am versus the $20 it was during the day, it allowed me to still spend time with Xander during the day and the NICU was much quieter at night (as quiet as a NICU can be), so I just enjoyed it more. The night was our time, time where I could just hold him for hours if he was up to it, or just sit and talk to him.
Tough – There is not a baby in the NICU that cannot be described as tough. The tests, pokes and prodding that these poor little souls go through is beyond imaginable. It is all done to help save their lives, but because of everything that they endure they have no choice but to be tough. I would have done anything to have put myself through everything Hunter went through so that he didn’t have to endure the pain. But I’m not sure I ever would have been as tough as he was.
Early – We knew that I would probably never make it to 40 weeks, but we were expecting 34 weeks or so, not 24 weeks and since my water never broke the first time with Xander, the fact it broke at 18 and 4 with Hunter was not expected at all. My water broke way too early, Hunter was born way too early. The odds were stacked against him from the beginning and as tough as he was and as strong as he fought. He was just too early.
Remembered – Hunter will always be remembered. I vow for this to always be true. No matter how short his life was on this earth, he was our son, he was Xander’s brother. For this he will be remembered and cherished forever. Hunter existed, he was real, because if he didn’t and wasn’t than why is my pain so real? Why do I ache to have him here? I will remember you my baby boy. You will be remembered.
My Little Acorn 