Day 20 – Forgiveness & Humanity

Two words that sometimes are said too much and sometimes not enough. And once they are said out loud you leave it in the other person’s hand to forgive you. Once you apologize for whatever you have done to offend someone they can choose whether or not you are worthy of their forgiveness. The problem with saying I’m sorry to someone who can’t respond is that you never know how they truly feel and if you are forgiven. So you continue to feel guilty.

There are so many things that I feel guilty for when it comes to Hunter’s birth and death. So many, if I had done this, maybe things would be different. So although I am unable to hear his forgiveness or ever know how he feels I say this to him.

I am sorry that I caught an infection that caused my water to break, your lung development to stop, and you to be born too early.

I am sorry that from the moment you came out of me and into this world your every breath was a battle.

I am sorry that you had an uncomfortable tube in your nose helping you to breathe that you constantly wanted to rip out.

I am sorry for all of the medications that were pumped into you to try and keep you alive.

I am sorry for the many times, sometimes multiple times a day, that you were poked in order to test your blood levels.

I am sorry we had to shave your head so that you could receive a blood transfusion because your veins were too delicate.

I am sorry that I could not hold you and comfort you as much as I wanted to.

I am sorry that the time you did spend with us was spent in pain.

I am sorry that there was not more that we could to for you.

I am sorry that we had to let you go.