I have always tried to live my life with no regrets, but it has always been in my nature to second guess everything that I do and everything about Hunter’s journey and death was no different. Should I have fought harder with the doctors and my husband to look for other options. I know that we tried everything, but to me that is still not enough. And until the day I die I will always wonder if the decisions that we made were right and if we could have done more.
I regret not crying and grieving Hunter more. I did my best to keep life as normal for Xander as possible. I got up everyday and kept things going so that he wouldn’t see me crying all the time. Sometimes I feel that I should have just stayed in bed and grieved for my baby. Hunter deserved that. But did Xander? I didn’t think so, so I concentrated on my child who was still alive.
Babies, babies and more babies. It is all that you see when you have lost one. And no matter how much I want to be happy for friends with babies, it’s hard. Friends who never wanted to have children, who had easy pregnancies and have healthy happy babies. Friends who complain about being pregnant, when I would do anything to be fat and uncomfortable. These all trigger emotions in me that I don’t like. I’m just hoping one day I will be able to be happy for people with babies again.
Some things do trigger happy even though at the same time sad memories. I love looking at pictures of Hunter. Even though I do get sad that they are limited, and not anything recent and also a reminder he isn’t here, I am so glad that I do have them. So many people don’t even have that.
Acorns. I have a new love for them. Xander named Hunter “Acorn”, so now every time I see one I think of Hunter. It’s not just me either. Many friends and family send me pictures of acorns or acorn items. It’s a way for people to remember him and I love that. It’s a very happy trigger, because my worst fear is that Hunter will be forgotten.
My Little Acorn 